| being a grownup is stupid |
[Jul. 17th, 2009|11:30 am] |
you can't waste your money. You have to pay your phone bill all the time. Everyone wants you to pitch in at the house you 'supposedly' live at. You have to work at a job you only kind of like. You ride your bike for a half hour to pick up the birth certificate you now don't even need a rush of...Maybe taking a car is more grownup.
Mind you. I do get to have my own cats who are pretty cool. I can see my giflriend almost whenever I want. I can watch porn in my room at 11 am as I lay completely exhausted from the bike ride. I do get to go to york to drop off my OSAP application to go back to school. No one uses my shampoo. I don't have to clean my room. Though, I really really want to.
It's so tricky. You know that song? That's all "I wish that I knew all I know now, when I was younger"? I don't think that's true. I like that I was so optimistic and full of life. I like that I keep being like that. No matter how many more crushing disappointments I have to go through. But at least, at the end of the day, I will always have the porn.
Oh, and you. |
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| i fail. |
[Jul. 8th, 2009|09:23 pm] |
Got a drove home from work: Win!
Heavy heavy traffic on highway and get home later than if ttc'd: Fail.
Decide to get groceries: Win!
Don't make a list: Fail.
Grab a sweater cause it was cold: Win!
This morning it was cold, now it is hot: Fail.
Hair looks nice: Win!
Forget hat and sun blinds: Fail.
Remember reusable bags: Win!
Forget debit card: Fail.
Forget keys: Fail.
Forget to pick up groceries had set out for: Fail.
Fail fail fail..
I did get groceries though, which is good for work because other than leftover angry steak it was getting pretty slim at work. I have a jobinterview/thingy? On saturday morning? In Richmond hill? I feel like I should tell her I'm going to go back to school in September and am thus useless to the employing world. Though, part of me thinks that if the job offer was sweet I would put off school again. Because i'm made of fail? No, no. I just wish I had more money. |
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| maturity, where? |
[Jul. 6th, 2009|04:10 pm] |
I'm just so mad at myself for letting her affect my mood like this. I am a fully functional adult woman and I should be able to go to the passport office and be told I have to wait another week because my birth certificate is all tattered and I have to get a new one and I should not have then wished I could lash out at everything. I just felt so so angry with the whole world and poor Mary was stuck with me being a jerk to her. And it's because I let the way Cheryl treats me affect me too much. I take everything to close to heart. Which can be amazing when it's nice things and loving things but it wasn't today. And I did not do anything wrong and the amount of hypocrisy is ridiculous. It's always one step forward eight steps back and maybe it's because I'm going to get my period soon and because I was already feeling fat and useless all weekend anyways. And maybe it's because I wanted to feel loved and pretty and knew I was feeling like that and was already trying so hard to be self aware and to be there and supporting and caring. But I'm just so disappointed with everything. I left her house so very sad and then just became angrier and angrier. And I wonder if she cares and I wonder wonder why do dodo. Who wrote the book of love.
And so now I'm going to pick out the courses I need for school next year and hope I get into awesome stuff. And I'm going to be the Host of the Talent Night for the Notsoamazon's dance party. Because I am special and people do like me. |
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| sappysapsap |
[Jul. 2nd, 2009|11:40 pm] |
I love her.
That's all. |
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| Some Great Text Messages |
[Jun. 26th, 2009|12:13 am] |
zalina: I bought thetix but forgot 2 text u
me: I assumed you died! I held a vigil all nighht!
hours go by.
charlotte: Michael Jackson: dead? The internet thinks so.
zalina: Your accidental vigil for me killed michael Jackson |
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| Trying not to fail |
[Jun. 23rd, 2009|06:48 pm] |
You know, at life.
I finally got into a class. Legit and everything. And I hated it. I hated the material, I hated the Professor, I hated the class. But I thought I would eventually like it and stuck to and then the Prof said I didn't write enough in a paper and like Jordan said, nobody likes to feel dumb. And he made me feel dumb. But I'm not dumb, the class is dumb. He will discuss the right word for a pot head for thirty minutes but then assigns Michel Foucault as the first reading. He wants a one page summary of the first six chapters of a philosophy book and then tells me I didn't go into enough detail. It didn't make sense and I hated it.
But then what do I do? Today is the last day to drop the class and still get some money back. I need 6 credits. I need a third year course. And I just totally caved under all the pressure of what to do. Do I drop it or do I power through? Everyone was doing their best in giving me advice and every time I made a decision I went back on it. I knew I hated the idea of being there for 18 more times. I knew I didn't want to see that Prof anymore. I knew I probably wouldn't do the readings. But I didn't want to disappoint everyone. Or have to take a course later next summer. Or or or.
And then Cheryl asked me what I would do if I didn't have to worry about money. And without missing a beat I said drop the class. And then she said I should do that. And I loved her. Because she helped me realize that more than anything I just didn't want to waste money. But that I didn't know that that was what was keeping me there. And now I'm out of the class and feel a million times better. And have just a little bit bigger of a crush on that girlfriend of mine. The one I'm celebrating Pride with. Which is pretty swell, as I'm just so fucking proud.
You know, with or without knee skin. |
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| thoughts on love |
[Jun. 16th, 2009|11:33 pm] |
So, I write about love in a lot of different ways in a lot of diferent forums and have done throughout time. I have had angry blogs and sweet blogs and content blogs and love love love blog blog blog.
But I just felt the absolute need to come onto livejournal and document the swelling of my heart. I hurt my legs pretty badly at a softball game and was kind of a big baby about it. Because it hurt and I don't deal well with pain. And I whined and cried and raised a fuss. And my girlfriend, my partner, my most precious of muffins, took care of me. She cleand my wound, constantly checked in to see how I was doing and wave upon wave of love washed over me. She not only took care of me she loved me. And it's not just when she's healing my wounds that I feel this level of committment and sweetness. Even when she's a little crabby I still know she loves me. Even when I start to go to crazytown the usually quiet voice of reason has a new stronger persona and we chitchat about how amazing it is to be in love. Because it's pretty fucking amazing.
And I just wanted to document it a little more. |
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| A joke |
[May. 28th, 2009|10:01 pm] |
Because I can't begin to write about all the things that are making me happy.. Like Cheryl, or cleaning my room, or my little baby laptop, or or or
What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
Most of the time you get an onion with big ears.
But...sometimes, just sometimes you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes. |
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| write write write |
[May. 8th, 2009|06:14 pm] |
I want want want so many things. I want a new computer. I want new sneakers. I want to eat better. I want to feel beautiful. I want to sleep for a long time. I want to feel needed. I want to grow up. I want to stay young forever!
Want want want.
Need need need.
My neck hurts! Stupid Jordan. Tackling me all the time.
Now someone I know who knows Cheryl is following me on Twitter. One less place to be able to rant freely. Or gush. Or be completely lucid. I have an idle desire to delete all these things. But I don't have anything to replace them with now. Drugs? Children? A future?
But! I will!
I am sleepy and pretty happy. Only 40 minutes to go before I can go to. |
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| Oh, life |
[Apr. 30th, 2009|11:28 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | REM (who always sounds like the hip) | ] |
It's bigger. Something something and that is not mine? The something I will go to...dark? And yeah. Keep an eye on you and I don't know how to do it. I said too much...I said it all? Is that me in the corner? ...Nannanan losing my religion.
So, other than not knowing the words so that song I'm pretty good. Like, fucking good. Like, good at fucking. Wait, no no. I mean, I'm awesome. Sometimes the amount of happy is so much.
This, this is what I'm talking about. The absolute bout of awesome that is thrust upon me. It's almost too much. Leaves me feeling unworthy of this sweetness. However, I'm pretty cool so maybe this feeling will pass. Though, I really like the giddiness of it.
Oh. And York reactivated my account for the summer. Which is pretty kick ass. Now to enroll in a class for realz this time. And then pretty much rule the world with a smiling fist. A smiling fist holding flowers. With mind controlling bees.
PS I totally love her. |
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| I need a hobby. |
[Apr. 26th, 2009|12:31 pm] |
I am not distracted enough by life. Everyone is super busy with school things and I won't have a summer class until June (hopefully!), and work is boring and I can't seem to be creative. Video games are fun but they're never distracting enough. I keep thinking the Sims will do it but with my computer being so completely fritzy I doubt that could happen too. I need to stop using my girlfriend as a distraction from my own boredom because that ain't fair and the more I try to branch out to other people the more people I have tentative plans with that never follow through.
Someone said kick-boxing which is a nice idea but has a few flaws, such as a) probably costs money which I don't really have and b) I'm pretty clumsy. I would probably kill someone (myself! eee).
June should be fine, I should be in a class, playing softball, working full time, and the regular everyone is done school happy gay times. But May is looking dismal which sucks because it spells my name. So, Livejournal friends: What's the what? What should I do so I don't lose it or anyone else? People who are bored are often times so boring and I would very much like to be neither of those things. Or regail me with your own stories of adventure so that I could at least read that. Stupid facebook, taking all my friends. Except Rasia...where did she go? |
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| I had this dream |
[Apr. 24th, 2009|07:48 am] |
Where I was swimming and it was really nice. And all these people I love were in the pool with me and we were swimming and hugging and splashing and playing. Then someone knocked on a door, the sound penetrated the water and everyone went to go see who it was. But I just kept swimming because the water was so warm and the sun was so nice. And no one came back. And the pool was too big and too deep all by myself. But I couldn't pull myself out over the side. And then it got really dark. And cold. And I didn't want to be swimming anymore, I wanted to be wrapped in a blanket in Cheryl's arms, warm and safe. And then I woke up thinking I had slept in but being early, in fact.
Please don't be ignoring me. |
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| oh man |
[Apr. 21st, 2009|07:48 am] |
Somehow I always end up saying or doing the thing that leads to the exact opposite of what I want. I wanted reassurance and the exact opposite is what I get.
I also hate the trickery of the morning, where you forget all that happened the night prior only to have it seep back down onto you. My eyes hurt. |
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| I don't know |
[Apr. 18th, 2009|03:07 pm] |
I just got so mad. I work so hard for this stupid company and I came in an hour early. So I got an hour less sleep, I got to my thought shift of 11 and then they tell me I'm wrong and it's 12. And I just wanted to start. I was feeling in the mood to work and then I had to sit around for an hour waiting. And I hated it. It was a waste of my time and I just think it's bullshit that they wouldn't let me start early. That's all.
I'm feeling not myself. I am tired of being the second best to everyone. I don't think there's anyone who see's me as first choice, except my family. And I'm just done with it. I'm just trying to have less feelings and less thoughts and that might be translating to less Amy. |
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| On the other hand |
[Apr. 14th, 2009|11:42 am] |
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I'm going to fight it. There's always something that can be done. Always!
(except at york, or indigo) |
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| I absolutely |
[Apr. 11th, 2009|01:12 am] |
adore the clarity of being away gives me.
Nothing decisive, who am I? God? But certainly more understanding of things around me.
Most importantly that I have Zac Efron hair. Knowledge is power. |
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| Amy, |
[Apr. 9th, 2009|07:29 pm] |
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you're too old to want the Pinocchio doll you saw at the Disney store. You can't buy it. No, no! Put that down... |
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| I'm happy. |
[Mar. 25th, 2009|02:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | !ndigo | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | new zealand accent | ] |
So a pretty swell kid I know told me that I only seem to post when I'm sad. And that made her sad. Then she gave me a happy link and I was pretty happy about that. But I digress;
Guys, I'm feeling pretty happy. Since Sunday. That's almost a week of pure unadultured happiness. I mean, sure, I was pretty sad last night when Cheryl's sister and her sister's boyfriend moved away to England, but it was a happy kind of sad. I'm still in the selfish stage of how much I'm going to miss them, and how much they treated me with kindness when I was new to the group, etc, etc. But they're going on this grand adventure and are so happy together that Imma feel better about this in no time. So, that's not really a thing.
I'm having a troublesome time getting into my one and only class, but I'm working it out (albeit, ever so slowly) and the teacher seems to think I'm pretty swell. Despite being homophobic. Me, not her (whole other story).
And today while working on cash I got a Weekly Queer Update and there was mention of a bathhouse which made me think about when my girlfriend went to a bathhouse whilst we were openly dating and had a fun ole time with another chick and my heart and cheeks got a little intense. But she loves me and I love her and that was more than 5 months ago. So, I'm just going to remember other awesome things my girlfriend is and does and let that go (also? brain? not cool).
It's Spring I'm in love and things seem not so big and scary. Which I like. And I can do all these things and I can be all these things. My happiness is less determinate on other people and I really feel more and more like I'm growing up into a person that I like. And I like you.
And you and you and you. And sometimes even you. And especially your mom. Hee-yah. |
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| Love: |
[Mar. 18th, 2009|05:36 pm] |
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the most unconvincing excuse while at the same time being completely infallible. |
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| oh, Amy |
[Mar. 14th, 2009|07:01 pm] |
you're so strange.
I don't know why but I get into the funkiest funks sometimes.
Like, I'm at work, doing my thing and I can't shake all this anger I've got going on. I htink the customers are all stupid, I think my job itself is stupid. I feel badly about my relationship, I feel badly about my body. I feel like shit all around, actually. And I have no idea why.
I ain't bleedin from the uterus, I didn't have a fight with my lady. I just feel pent up with disappointment? I don't know.
I might really be able to get into the class that I'm showing up to (which is awesome).
I parents are forcing me to take some money from them (which is helpful).
My girlfriend says she's not mad at me (which is good).
Then why do I feel so lousy? It can't just be because I'm working when it's beautiful outside. Maybe I'm not eating enough veggies. Maybe I need more chocolate. I don't. get. it.
And I really don't want to whine about it any more. I just needed an out. And this delicious can of soda. |
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